Friday, May 28, 2010


(Continued from last post.)


Clock alarm declares a brand new morning
I lie awake brainstorming
How I will use the day
They said I could never do it. They thought me mad, MAD, but I showed them all. Now my song and I will RULE THE WORLD.

Ahem. Anyway.

So, yeah, I finally found a rhyme. The new line doesn't roll off the tongue as easily as the old one, but I like that I've worked the word "I" in there. (Or "I'm." I may substitute "I'm half awake, brainstorming." We'll see.) I figure I've at least broken even.

This is not an exemplary turn of phrase. It doesn't break new ground or present some brilliant new insight. It does, however, allow me to keep "Clock alarm declares a brand new morning," which sounds more poetical than I usually manage for setting-the-scene passages like these.

And it only took two days.

This is the point where I decide not to think about the songwriters I've known who could write an entire song in the car on the way to the bank.


MOS said...

OK. That's good.

But I still like your original idea better, and totally disagree that you shouldn't use it.

Kyle Bennett said...

Clock alarm declares a brand new morning
Rest of my life aborning
How I will use the day

DeppityBob said...

Clock declares a brand new morning
It's a day to go a-porning
It's how I use the day

cinderkeys said...

MOS: I'm curious. Redundancy issue aside, why does #1 appeal to you more?

Kyle: Shouldn't the morning be aborning the rest of your life? Also, to make that scan, you have to put the emphasis on "OF." Remember, if your lyrics aren't going to quite make sense, just scan and rhyme them perfectly and all will be forgiven! :)

Dep: You used "day" twice. How about ...

Clock alarm declares a brand new morning
It's time to go a-porning
That's how I use the day

If I don't hit it big as a rock & roll star, I'm totally hiring myself out as a song coach.

Jeff Shattuck said...

Cool song idea but....

I confess, brainstorming seems somehow wrong to me…

but then, I'm sort of a depressive type…

Anyway, here's my issue: to me, brainstorming is a positive thing, and lacks tension. If hear about someone waking up brainstorming, I think, wow, lucky you, what's to worry?

But, what if you split it and sang brain storming?

You could hold on brain, pause, then sing storming, and then rather than "how to use the day" sing "over what the day will bring". Now, you're setting up something with tension that needs to be resolved. Could give you a thread to pull through the song...

Just a suggestion! I LOVE the opening line, and please bear in mind that I will always drive a song to a sad place rather than a happy one, which is a failing of mine.

cinderkeys said...

Ooh, I like the idea of splitting the word! I'm not sure I can get it to scan that way right here, but if not now, some other song someday.

('course, I'd still feel weird about stealing YOUR idea, even though you gave it to me. Are you sure you don't want this for yourself?)

I think I'm OK with starting this song in at least a semi-hopeful place. In terms of what actually gets accomplished, it goes downhill from there. :) Ultimately, the effect I want to achieve at the end ...

Hrm. I don't want to say what it all means before you've even seen/heard it. Maybe I'll just post the lyrics when they're done, and all y'all can give your interpretations of whether it ends happy or sad. That would be interesting. I know how *I* interpret the ending (which I've already written), but I suspect not everyone will interpret it the same way.

MOS said...

Well, maybe brainstorming sounds a little too active for the moments after the alarm goes off. But I think mostly I just like the sound of "hazy plans are forming" better.

Porning is good. Except, of course, as DOMOS, you have to keep it clean.

Kyle Bennett said...

I had trouble figuring out the scansion of your original, so it's no surprise I didn't get it right.

"Aborning" means something like: coming in to being, as in the first day of the rest of your life. I think it does make sense

Fireblossom said...

The only song I have ever heard with the word "aborning" in it, is Tom Paxton's "The Last Thing On My Mind", one of my all time favorites btw, and one of the songs/poems that made me want to write myself.

cinderkeys said...

MOS: Gasp! Censorship! I'm being repressed, I'm being repressed!


1. "The rest of my life has given birth to the person I am now" is a great concept, but not the one I'm trying to express here. :)

2. Figuring out the scansion of a song you've never heard sung is often impossible. That's why I almost never post lyrics here. But to clarify ...

CLOCK alarm deCLARES a brand new
MORning (beat) HAzy plans are
FORming (beat) on HOW to use the
DAY (beat beat beat)

Fireblossom: I like that song too. An arrangement I heard of it from a Tucson band inspired the feel I wanted to capture for one of my own songs.

I'm now leaning a bit more toward the original. I sang both versions for Ron the Drummer at yesterday's rehearsal, and he thought either would be OK, but liked the first one a little more. And singing both out loud brought home what I already knew -- the first is a lot easier to sing.

Maybe I'll find a third option at some point, but until then ... :)

Jeff Shattuck said...

Hey, if you like the brain storming think, take it, I'd be honored!